ItachiM's blog

Time

    This year has been a year filled with the greatest pains and joys of my life. The accident and losing Adam, as well as dropping out of college have been very hard for me to deal with. I have not turned to drugs or alcohol to solve my problems like some people have, and nor will I. I have always looked down on myself as weak, but the more I think about it I am stronger then a lot of others in this world. I guess in a way I feel I owe it to him to not throw my life away. The two joys I have in life that I will always want to keep are Jason and Christopher's relationship with me, and the family of people I have made for myself. I know I often embrace my emotions and they often get the best of me. I still feel like they are a weakness in me, I was always taught to not let others see your weakness because they will just walk all over you. I have lived by that my whole life, I know now however that to live by that statement is not something I can do. To many times I am selfish, I always think that I have to take this burden of pain always by myself. I always assume that no one understands how I feel. To just let someone in has always been a problem for me, to trust someone enough with my pain. I always have no problems talking about Adam and what happened, I guess thats part of my healing system, to always tell what happened so I can keep nothing inside. The cause of all my pain, I think when I become depressed ( Which isn't often but too often for me) is really just something I have never felt comfortable talking to someone  about. I always feel as though I am being judged. Just ask anyone who has gotten close to me, when it comes down to it I will push them so far away that I can't hear them anymore. So through my evolution of self discovery I have come to see what I have done with myself that has pushed so many people away. Feeling like no one understands what I was going through is a grave misunderstanding on my end, as well as becoming barricaded in my mind when I am sad. I have begun to try to express myself differently over these last few months so for that to those who have stuck it out with me I am grateful, and for those who have not I understand and don't blame you.

    How does one begin the healing process? The Seven Stages of Grief: 1: Shock & Denial 2: Pain & Guilt 3: Anger & Bargaining 4: Depression, Reflection & Loneliness 5: The Upward Turn 6: Re-Construction 7: Acceptance....

I spent weeks in stage one, cursing Adam for ever putting me in that situation. I even said he deserved to die... I denied that I loved him and sought comfort from anyone, I just wanted someone to hold me. I was so blind at the time I even trusted someone who tried to make me HIV +. Blind as I was that event was they eye opening for me, to see that I needed to change my life... I was sick and dropping out of school. After I spent that long week alone, by myself locked in a room, not eating not drinking, leaving only to go to the bathroom. Something snapped, He was gone, that is when I believe that stage two had set in. I was so warped by the thought that I was responsible for what happened, that if I never asked him to come get me he would still be here. I made it all about me instead of making it about us, WE made choices, they were not good but at least WE made them... I choose to take advantage of his good will and nature, and he choose to drive under the influence... Even now I still believe that I am in the blaming myself for the accident and even though I have had everyone close to me tell me not to blame myself I find it to be the most difficult fight in my life. I have always had no problems that I couldn't get past. I had an easy life and things were amazing until that night. There are still questions that I have yet to find the answer for. Why when people tell me not to blame myself do I feel so angry that I want to strike them? Why is it that when I look at myself I see someone who was responsible for taking a life? Why is it no one has ever blamed me for his death? These are questions no one can answer but myself, and I feel the reason I can't find them is because I am afraid that if I admit I didn't do anything wrong Adam would hate me. People always tell me that Adam never would hate me, that he just wants me to be happy even in death. I don't believe in god, nor do I believe in a higher power. So where do the answers lie for me? Are they in a false and pointless religion of lies? Does the answer resolve itself in my soul? When I find myself thinking these questions I close my eyes, and not only do I see Adam with a smile on his face I see 4 people looking at me by his side. They know who they are, They are my family, the men I love most in life. The ones who always keep me up despite how hard I pushed away. So it is for these 5 men, that I keep my head high, and live on. Searching for the answers that I don't know if I can find. I know that the times will get better, I also know that there are still hard times ahead for me. So with Christopher, Christian, Jason, Rob, ... and Adam guiding me I think I will be fine. This is the greatest gift I have ever gotten, the gift of life. Thank you you five men. I love you and always will.

 

Forgivness

When is forgiving someone over and over again too much? I really don't understand this part of my emotions, is it natural human instinct to forgive people when they do something wrong to you? I have went by everyone saying that things will be different the next time around for the longest time. I don't see any differences, all I see is more of the same. Someone apologizes to you for abandoning you as a friend, come back to you, you forgive them for they are your friend, then they abandon you once more. This is just a basic example of what I mean, the more and more I look at some of the people around me they are nothing more but things that repeat the same functions over and over again. I also notice how I am becoming more disturbed about the little things that go wrong when I try to be a good person. I let someone us my computer, which I have put a lot of time and money into, and I leave for a few days only to find that my $140 mouse is acting up. Is this what I get for being a good person? If so then what is the point? Jesus it sounds like all I do is complain at times, because I am clueless on what to do now? Do I become a person who does nothing for anyone but himself? To my mind then there is less of a factor to have things mess up. Would anyone care to explain to me why the side of Evil seems to have more to gain than the side of Good?

01 Steppin Out (Extended Mix)

Child Abuse in the Workplace

I am VERY tolerant of many things, I didn't hate the people who gay bashed me when I came out, I don't care if people say "faggot" or "fag", or "that's gay" at me. There however is ZERO tolerant to seeing a child be abused in front of me. Today in the workplace, my manager and I were providing customer service to a couple and their child. He was a cute little boy who couldn't even be 4, Steph and I noticed he had a bruise under his right eye that looked like it was beginning  to heal. That set our radar's off already, they were sketchy and had to be on something. The male was bouncing around talking gibberish while the female strolled behind him. The kid grabbed a belt from the wall and just touched it! Didn't take it down or break a thing! Just touched it. The female turned around and yelling at the child pulled her fist back and punched the child in his eye. I was so shocked because I couldn't see this coming! They bolted out of the store before we knew what to do, Steph didn't see the hitting, but I did. The kid just looked at me and started to cry, that's when the mom bolted and the dad followed seconds later.... I felt like someone kicked me in the nuts, I wanted to do something but nothing could be done, We had not gotten their names nor did they stay in the mall. Over all it makes me wonder if that boy will live long enough to reach 6 or even 5 years of age... It's people like this I honestly believe should be hurt so badly they will never forget the pain they caused others.

Za-Za-Za- What...

So, I have had my Bar-Tending Certification for almost a year now. No place will train me, they want someone with Exp. As Will Clark says " Yeah, it's the catch 22 of employment ". I agree, though the evil side of me is saying bullshit, the frosty side of me is saying well they are missing out. All in all I would love to Bar-Tend in NYC, Ideal location. Lots of business, interesting people, Con's are I don't live there, Finding a place to stay when I am there, as well as finding a job that would pay for the travel as well as anything else. Alas the dreams of a young kid... 

Car Accident.

This is a subject I am not used to talking with people about. This event changed my life in so many ways, it's so hard to believe its only been a year.. Well lets start at the beginning. October 31 of 2007.

           Adam and I had been dating for about 3 weeks now, things between us were amazing, he was 32 and just everything I looked for in a person. He had flaws of course but they were only towards people who were my friends, he didn't like anyone I knew because he felt they were going to hurt me. I loved him so much that I still can't describe it with words. Well on Halloween night I was spending some time with a few of my friends playing games and such. Well a person who had been causing drama in my life called me and I allowed myself to get upset over it. Adam had the weekends off and drinks friday night, I knew this ahead of time. In a rage I called him and asked him to pick me up, he asked if I could wait till tomorrow to see him because he was... I got more upset and cut him off saying if he didn't come get me I would walk to his house on the thruway. After a sigh he say I will be there to get you in 10 min, love you. Well he came to the house and I had my iPod on when I got in the car, volume cranked as I kissed him and blared my music and eventually feel asleep in the passenger seat. Well I don't remember much after that until he started to swerve on the road as I jolted awake and glimpsed at the speedometer. 55mph as he flew off 490 and we crashed into a tree. I remember the air bag going off on my side and having the wind knocked out of me, I also remember not seeing his go off. Well when I woke up I tried getting out of the car as the cops/ambulance was just arriving. They helped me out and put me in a ambulance, Adam went to a separate one. We got to the hospital and every word spoke to me was muffled and meant nothing I took tests and other various things as I felt in a daze and that's when the police came into the room, one asked me if we had been drinking. I said no. and he said was Adam? I told him no, I had called Adam to come get me I was having a stressed filled day. The two looked at each other, then asked why his BA level was .9? I was surprised but not scared, I just asked when could I see him. I guess all the things happening put it into my mind that he was ok. Thats when the cops looked at one another, I felt my heart vanish as I stood up and yelled where was he? My leg hurt a lot and I feel to a knee, the Doctor helped me up and said look you were lucky to make it out alive, You friends airbag didn't deploy and he hurt his neck, that's when he hit his neck chad. I'm sorry but we couldn't help him. I remember screaming out loud but hearing nothing, my heart was the only thing I could hear. My ears just made a ringing noise as I just cried where I was set. The nurse came in and tried to calm me down and she held me and at the time it was the only thing keeping me calm and not scared. She just kept saying to me he was "with god now". That did nothing for me. I was filled with anger now, as I felt the sadness rush through me. I woke up the next morning expecting this all to be a nightmare. Alas I woke to a hospital bed, I just cried as another nurse came in asking why I was crying, my leg was fine. I didn't say anything. I got up and got a ride from another friend who had waited all night for me, and drove me to my dorm's. I sat in my room for 1 week straight, almost no food, little water, no form of contact with anyone. I stayed in that room hating myself so much I contemplated ending my life. It was because of me he was gone... If I never asked him to come get me he never would have been driving. Then I remembered what he was trying to say to me when I cut him off. He was trying to say he'd been drinking that night.... This is the point when I truly began to hate myself and wanted to die... I went into the school the following Monday, putting on a face of kindness and happy. I felt I didn't deserve to live. Every fiber of my being was in pain. So what happens when one does not take care of himself. One gets sick, and I did quite badly. That's when my friends Sean and Chrissy, and Wally drove me to the hospital where I stayed the night... was given Vikoden and I slept for a long while... I was out of school for 3 weeks before realizing where my life was going. I flunked out of college because of everything I had done... I just felt so empty...My mom came to take me home that weekend... and thus my college life had ended.

to this day I still suffer from depression, though only a year has passed I feel like it was yesterday.

Body Art/ Piercings

Where to begin? Well this time I thought I would show my thoughts on piercings, now I know not everyone has the same views on them like everything in life. I found it interesting that out of most people I have asked I am the only one who has put thought behind their piercings and given them personal meaning. From the time I had my right ear pierced with a standard 18g needle I knew this would not be my last.
From chronological order my list of piercings I have had and what they meant to me:

2005: Right Ear 18g: This was a sign of evolution in my life, a sign that I was changing and like a dot on a map I wanted to remember this day forever.

2008: Left Ear 18g: This was my first year of college and I felt like this was another change in my life, hence another dot on the map. This however was a little different, I knew that after so long of keeping tabs on my role model that I would want to come out of the closet this year. Little did I know that this would lead to such a chaotic path.  I had gotten this done for my B-day gift to myself, and had decided to stay over with some "friends" I will be honest I hadn't planned on coming out that day but I had a crush on a friend of mine, he was a Lacrosse player and just my type of guy, so I had gone to his house to chill while his two friends I didn't know were downstairs getting wasted, Ken and I had gone to his room like we always do to chill and watch a movie on his bed. He was a physical guy! Loved to cuddle with guys and girls while watching a movie. Well his leg was over mine and we were watching V for Vendetta, after the movie ended I looked over to him and with every ounce of energy it took I told him I was gay and if he ever wanted to try anything I would be ok. Well before I could finish his fist was in my face and I was knocked clear off his bed. I never expected this so I was in a daze of shock and pain, he yelled for his friends and they came scuffling up the stairs. Well after Ken put his steel toe's on and his two friends held me on the floor he began to give me a "kicking off" so to speak. Hairline fracture to the skull, broken rib, and a mouth full of blood was what the pounding I received. Well I didn't feel much, and I really don't know why I didn't. Just when I thought this was the end he left and went down to the kitchen and came back with a kitchen knife. the friend holding my arms let go as I rolled around (Tired) as ken sat down on my chest. He rubbed the knife on my cheeks, not enough to cut I think, but enough for me to feel cold metal on my face. I heard his friend holding my feet laugh. He looked down at me with a look I will never forget. Like he could see my soul, and then he spoke to me, saying "You know what comes next right? I am going to take your eyes... So you can never look at another man again... I will purify you.." something else as well I don't remember it well...  well I must have been rolling around far too much for his taste because he put the knife down and hit me in the mouth. As it filled with blood I tried to yell, as he leaned in to tell me something I spit in his face, and jolted forward into his nose (Breaking it I hope) he fell on his friend holding my leg. I got up and twisted the "friends" arm until I heard a snap. I had forgotten about his 2nd friend who was behind me. the next thing I remember was black. The next thing I know I feel cold and am in the hospital with police in the room, they shut my roomate out and wanted to ask what happened. He looked at me afterward and said "Sorry but there will be no pressed charges... you hit on him therefore he felt threatened therefore he had the right to defend himself..." I asked what about his friends!? Did they feel scared of me too?! He said to me coldly "If you saw your friend in trouble wouldn't you help to?" and left the room. I never saw any of them again. That was the day I came out and my B-day and was also the day of my second piercing. I will always remember that one as the Hatred Piercing....

Nov 2008: Vertical Chest Piercing: Way back before I went to college I was in love with a man named Jose, he was kind and amazing and just great to be around. All the time  I thought he felt the same about me, I was wrong, his reason? He was sick and didn't want me to watch him die of it. Many other reasons as well... Well despite me telling him how I felt and that I wanted to be here for him and be with him, we went our separate ways. I always remembered him because he had his vertical Neck Piercing, he also wanted to not take his medicine and always told me to remember him how his is now. I never saw him again to this date. Well I wanted to remember him as a major impact on my life, so I had two "family" members of mine pierce my chest as a way to show that I will always remember him and the pain he held so deep inside him.

Nov 2008: I had meet my two partners I am with now and wanted to change a little bit more, I had him do two in each ear because I wanted each side to represent both him and Christopher watching over me. one hole for each of them to watch me. Hence why I had 3 holes in each ear. As a creative flare I gauged each hole from biggest to smallest, 2G, 4G, 6G.

June 2009: Nipples, I wanted my nipples done as a symbol that I am my own property. I always have had "property issues" with former Ex's and wanted them to both know that this is my body and mine to do with as I please. Also they feel amazing.... 

November 2009: I had both Industrial's done as a symbol of me wanting to bridge together with the two men I am with, I see no reason to look for anyone else. My Industrials show how much I care for them as a whole and Individually.

Running Up That Hill

5 Books to Read

What five books should every person read?

 1984: by George Orwell

 Night: by Elie Wiesel

 Queen of The Damned: Hardcover (Non movie edition)

 Red Dragon: Thomas Harris

 Halo: Ghosts of Onyx: Eric Nylund

Dear, Sarah Palin

Mrs. Palin, I have followed your travels through the political world for some time now, and I think I have just about had enough. I don't criticize people 99% of the time because I like to give them the benefit of the doubt. However I feel right now that you as a political candidate are like the tyrant from the Resident Evil series. Your constant fabrications what you want for our country are nothing short of a horror story waiting to be made into a post apocalyptic movie! I am mostly unimpressed with this fact I found out about you. When you were Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska through the years of 1996-2002, over a population of about 4-5 thousand people (Estimate not exact amount.) That there was police corruption AS well as your city becoming the Meth capital of Alaska? This article is not my work I just read over this and think it would be interesting for you all to read as well.

                        "WASILLA - The Matanuska-Susitna area is the methamphetamine capital of Alaska, according to Alaska State Troopers.

In 2003, authorities uncovered nine meth labs in the area. Last year, the number increased to 42, said Kyle Young, an investigator with the troopers who works with the Mat-Su narcotics team.

Officials with the Office of Children's Services in Wasilla said the problem affects children. The office receives about 40 calls a month from people reporting abuse or neglect involving some aspect of the highly addictive drug.

In late February, the Mat-Su narcotics unit arrested a couple at their Willow home. Michelle Motta said for years she tried to warn authorities that her three young nieces lived in the midst of a methamphetamine operation run by their parents, Phillip Dean and Laura Jackson.

Alaska State Troopers reported finding a "large active meth lab" in a detached garage shop. The house was a frigid mess, with piles of dirty dishes, clothes everywhere and frozen pipes, investigators said.

Through a hatch in the shop floor, the team found an underground room with a meth lab in one corner, as well as old marijuana root balls and lights from a past pot-growing operation.

An investigator said the team didn't find the children at home but saw signs of them there. Motta said the girls - ages 14, 8 and 6 - at times slept in the garage with the lab.

A year ago, the oldest girl detailed the household's rampant drug problems and squalid living conditions in a handwritten letter to a judge.

"My parents grow marijuana and crystal the(y) did the drugs that they bought in front of (my sisters)," the letter begins. "They spent most money on them instead of food or doing laundry. I got left home with nobody there I got left home with drug(g)ies..."

Motta now has custody of her three nieces. The Jacksons are jailed at Mat-Su Pre-Trial Facility in Palmer.

Children sharing homes with meth labs face the risk of contamination, fire, explosion, neglect and hazardous living conditions. Caseworkers report little children complaining of breathing problems from toxic fumes rising off chemicals such as acetone, ammonia and hydrochloric acid.

When authorities surrounded a converted bus housing a meth operation in Big Lake in January, a 13-year-old boy who answered the door bragged that his mom cooked the best meth in the valley, according to the troopers.

During a 2003 bust at a house outside Wasilla, officers discovered five children living inside, all younger than 8 years old.

The calls about meth to children's services in Wasilla accounts for as many as 40 percent of the agency's total monthly child protection calls.

The troopers are aggressively going after meth labs, said Capt. Ed Harrington, the supervisor of the state's drug and alcohol enforcement unit.

"It's just not a simple process," Harrington said. "Just because somebody calls in and says 'So and so's  cooking meth' doesn't mean we're going to kick the door in the next night." 

         Source: http://www.juneauempire.com/stories/030805/sta_20050308002.shtml

Now After reading that during this event you were the Mayor and political adviser of this city I am jaw dropped at what I had found! How can you even BEGIN to plan what you thinik this country should be when while over your "rule" your city became the METH CAPITAL OF YOUR STATE?!

Just some food for thought....

Sarah Palin: I feel that she is just striding through our political system and soon she will rip it to shreds... Someone please stop her.

So I am employed at Pac Sun, which in all honesty I find overall enjoyable. I do how ever find it interesting that even though I am employed in NY state, that we (People working there) are actually under California state law. Which means that our break times, pay, and everything else is decided by Californa instead of NY.

The Alpha

So this is my first posting on TypePad and I thought something like this would something creative to do. I don't expect many people to follow my life but if you decide to come along on my path, I hope you enjoy it! Chad here and thanks for reading!