Time

    This year has been a year filled with the greatest pains and joys of my life. The accident and losing Adam, as well as dropping out of college have been very hard for me to deal with. I have not turned to drugs or alcohol to solve my problems like some people have, and nor will I. I have always looked down on myself as weak, but the more I think about it I am stronger then a lot of others in this world. I guess in a way I feel I owe it to him to not throw my life away. The two joys I have in life that I will always want to keep are Jason and Christopher's relationship with me, and the family of people I have made for myself. I know I often embrace my emotions and they often get the best of me. I still feel like they are a weakness in me, I was always taught to not let others see your weakness because they will just walk all over you. I have lived by that my whole life, I know now however that to live by that statement is not something I can do. To many times I am selfish, I always think that I have to take this burden of pain always by myself. I always assume that no one understands how I feel. To just let someone in has always been a problem for me, to trust someone enough with my pain. I always have no problems talking about Adam and what happened, I guess thats part of my healing system, to always tell what happened so I can keep nothing inside. The cause of all my pain, I think when I become depressed ( Which isn't often but too often for me) is really just something I have never felt comfortable talking to someone  about. I always feel as though I am being judged. Just ask anyone who has gotten close to me, when it comes down to it I will push them so far away that I can't hear them anymore. So through my evolution of self discovery I have come to see what I have done with myself that has pushed so many people away. Feeling like no one understands what I was going through is a grave misunderstanding on my end, as well as becoming barricaded in my mind when I am sad. I have begun to try to express myself differently over these last few months so for that to those who have stuck it out with me I am grateful, and for those who have not I understand and don't blame you.

    How does one begin the healing process? The Seven Stages of Grief: 1: Shock & Denial 2: Pain & Guilt 3: Anger & Bargaining 4: Depression, Reflection & Loneliness 5: The Upward Turn 6: Re-Construction 7: Acceptance....

I spent weeks in stage one, cursing Adam for ever putting me in that situation. I even said he deserved to die... I denied that I loved him and sought comfort from anyone, I just wanted someone to hold me. I was so blind at the time I even trusted someone who tried to make me HIV +. Blind as I was that event was they eye opening for me, to see that I needed to change my life... I was sick and dropping out of school. After I spent that long week alone, by myself locked in a room, not eating not drinking, leaving only to go to the bathroom. Something snapped, He was gone, that is when I believe that stage two had set in. I was so warped by the thought that I was responsible for what happened, that if I never asked him to come get me he would still be here. I made it all about me instead of making it about us, WE made choices, they were not good but at least WE made them... I choose to take advantage of his good will and nature, and he choose to drive under the influence... Even now I still believe that I am in the blaming myself for the accident and even though I have had everyone close to me tell me not to blame myself I find it to be the most difficult fight in my life. I have always had no problems that I couldn't get past. I had an easy life and things were amazing until that night. There are still questions that I have yet to find the answer for. Why when people tell me not to blame myself do I feel so angry that I want to strike them? Why is it that when I look at myself I see someone who was responsible for taking a life? Why is it no one has ever blamed me for his death? These are questions no one can answer but myself, and I feel the reason I can't find them is because I am afraid that if I admit I didn't do anything wrong Adam would hate me. People always tell me that Adam never would hate me, that he just wants me to be happy even in death. I don't believe in god, nor do I believe in a higher power. So where do the answers lie for me? Are they in a false and pointless religion of lies? Does the answer resolve itself in my soul? When I find myself thinking these questions I close my eyes, and not only do I see Adam with a smile on his face I see 4 people looking at me by his side. They know who they are, They are my family, the men I love most in life. The ones who always keep me up despite how hard I pushed away. So it is for these 5 men, that I keep my head high, and live on. Searching for the answers that I don't know if I can find. I know that the times will get better, I also know that there are still hard times ahead for me. So with Christopher, Christian, Jason, Rob, ... and Adam guiding me I think I will be fine. This is the greatest gift I have ever gotten, the gift of life. Thank you you five men. I love you and always will.